The look of pity.

First things first,hello and welcome to this blog.Please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes,feel free to highlight them but don't expect any improvement .I will form sentences how I see fit and will throw commas,about,willy,nilly,if, I, so, please.
Secondly I had started a blog here before but I didn't maintain it partly because I was too lazy and partly because I was too busy.Now however I seem to have plenty of time.
I like many others am unemployed.Having always worked during my time at school,university and after I am very apprehensive about being unemployed. My current status is the result of illness which meant I had to give up work .So far so negative,but not quite.
The combination of the the illness and the unemployment has meant that I am forced to reconsider my life.So far I have had to re-evaluate everything from where I live,what I ate,who I spend time with to what I'm to do for a "career" .The aforementioned "illness" was the trigger for all of this Oprah style soul searching ( she sickens me ).
Since the age of 7 I have suffered with severe panic attacks .I never,not once, said anything to anyone because I thought this was perfectly normal.I went through 22 years of constantly feeling like something awful was about to happen desperately wishing I was somewhere else.Naturally this resulted in extremely high levels of anxiety which culminated in my leaving work last year. Since then I have "sorted myself out" and am now concentrating on doing what I love.Acting and writing.(might talk about that another time)
Along with the loss employment comes the loss of financial independence.Unable to afford the rent on my lovely cosy one bed flat in the city I had no real choice but to move back to my Mum's house .I've been here about 6 months now. By itself, this situation is fine because I know it isn't a permanent fixture.However what isn't fine, what is beyond the realms of tolerable is the "look of pity".
I am single and have been for almost all of my adult life.I love being single .Even as a child when I would have the " when I'm older" chat with my friends I was always single, in my own house ,with a great job ,going on great holidays wearing great clothes.This is still my personal ambition.I have very little desire to marry and no desire to have children. A perfectly acceptable ambition for a woman in 2010.No, apparently it is not.
Having moved back to the town where I grew up I've noticed someting. In the local supermarket I frequently meet the people I went to school with .I often bump into them with their husbands,partners and kids.We do the polite "how are you ?" and the obligatory "oh what are you doing with yourself nowadays" .I stand there smiling as I hear endless tales of weddings,houses,more houses,babies,negative equity woes(I don't smile at those bits) more babies, planning permission issues etc etc etc. I reply with a "aw wonderful" "oh brilliant" , "excellent" or "yeah so many people are in the same boat not to worry it will pick up soon". Fundamentally delighted with their lot they inevitably ask the same questions of me. I answer truthfully,No I'm single,living in my mum's, saving up to move to London.Fundamentally happy and hopeful with my own lot what comes next always unnerves me .The questioner without fail,tilts their head smiles that closed mouth smile,squints their eyes and says "Oh" Immediately they are visibly uncomfortable,perhaps fearful that I'll have a break down then and there in front of the deli counter.They believe they have somehow unwittingly asked an awkward question that now has me reliving heartbreak and failure.They say things like " you'll meet someone" or " just not ready yet?" One person even said "oh well I suppose ....well,you were never really like that were you?" Like what? I began to think, still unnerved by the pity look.Like what?
Don't misunderstand, of course being married with a kid and a house can make some people happy.But,why do people think it's the only combination of things that can make you happy.I don't really care if I don't meet "someone".Yes some babies are sweet but to be honest, for me at least, not as sweet as reading the papers with a cup of coffee in total silence.Why do people associated being single with failure?Do these supermarket exchanges of pleasantries highlight something in the Irish psyche? Married+house+offspring= success.Single- offspring-own home=failure. Happy v Miserable.Them v Me
But,there are more of "me" out there than I had previously thought. More and more of us are choosing to be single,choosing to be child free choosing the path less traveled.I hope to meet some of these "us" when I move to London.
My friends here , for the most part don't mention my being single.My two closest friends are both in long term relationships and can sometimes slip into the "you'll meet someone" mode. Sometimes they'll suggest I try speed dating, this never bothered me until now.( now that I've had time -being unemployed- to think about these things) I mean I would never turn to them and say," you should break up with Alan and try singledom" . It seems perfectly acceptable to poo poo my relationship status.Even that,what I've just typed there,relationship status.Does that mean I am in a relationship with myself ? Am I without a relationship? and,why is it so important?Why is it the first question people ask after years of not seeing each other?And why the fuck must I pay a single occupancy surcharge when on holiday?